Understanding Attachment Styles (part 2)
Your attachment style matters – a lot. Understanding and having insight into your attachment style can have a big impact on you, others, and your relationships with them. Once you understand your style, you can learn how to develop healthier attachments and deeper, more meaningful relationships.
In my previous post, I showed the need for healthy attachment and defined attachment systems and styles. To recap, an attachment system is an internal working model that provides us with an expectation of relationships based on the first relationship we ever had, which is with our parents or other caregivers. An attachment style is how an individual relates to others in practice.
Attachment Styles
There are three main types of attachment styles, each of which we will cover in more detail in the sections to follow. They are:
Secure
Anxious
Avoidant
These are broad categories that are useful in identifying your primary attachment style. We all may have a little bit of each type within us, but typically one dominates. It is possible to exhibit traits of different attachment styles with different people, but usually our main attachment style will remain stable. That is unless we consciously work to change it, or in the case of a secure style work to maintain it.
Remember that your parents laid the foundation for your primary attachment style. You didn’t choose it, but you can move towards a more secure way of being in a relationship through insight and change.
Please don’t feel guilty or ashamed if you identify with the anxious or avoidant attachment style as you read the rest of this post. In case you don’t readily self-identify with one of the main attachment styles, I’ve included a link to an assessment tool at the end of this post.
Attachment style comes into play in all of our important relationships, but I’m going to discuss the styles in the context of a romantic relationship for the sake of consistency in the next sections.
The Secure Attachment Style
How it feels
Being loving and warm in a relationship is relatively easy for you. You enjoy being intimate and close without stressing too easily over relationship issues. You’re able to pick up on your partner’s emotional cues, respond appropriately, and calmly work through any issues that might arise. You’re comfortable being there for your partner and confident that they are there for you as well.
Research has shown that one of the best predictors for happiness in a relationship is a secure attachment style. Those with this style report high levels of satisfaction, commitment, and trust in their relationships.
Don’t we all wish this were true for us? If it is for you, then I’m so happy for you. Your attachment system was nicely established when you were young and you’ve probably been a great friend, sibling, and romantic partner. Your secure attachment style has also likely helped your relationship partners who are anxious or avoidant temper their style and become more satisfied in their relationship with you.
What it looks like in action
Here are some characteristics and actions of a person with a secure attachment style:
Handle conflict well and don’t let the conflict escalate
Mentally flexible, meaning they handle criticism or differences of opinion well
Communicate effectively with their partner
Comfortable with closeness
Believe their partner has good intentions, so they are quick to forgive
Expect others to be responsive and loving because it’s normal, so they do the same
If this style doesn’t resonate with you, not to worry. You can definitely move toward this ideal by understanding your current attachment style and working to adopt these characteristics in place of the behaviors from your baseline style. Let’s take a look at two prevalent attachment styles that might make you think or yourself or your partner.
The Anxious Attachment Style
How it feels
You want to be very close to your partner and have the capacity for deep intimacy. However, you worry that your partner doesn’t feel the same. You’re also very sensitive to your partner’s emotions and behaviors, maybe overly so. This “sixth sense” that your relationship is in trouble may be more or less accurate, but there’s no doubt it can activate your anxious attachment style.
You are on high alert for any sign that your partner is pulling away from you, which may lead to conflict and emotional distress in your life. If you have an anxious attachment style, you’re much more likely to take it personally when your partner does something that you feel indicates they don’t want to be close to you. It’s important to note that people with secure and avoidant attachment styles also get activated, but they’re not as sensitive to their partners’ actions.
Remember that your attachment style is composed of the emotions and behaviors that you feel will keep you safe in your relationships.
What it looks like in action
Once you sense your partner pulling away, you may have a hard time regulating your emotions until your partner reassures you that 1) they are not leaving you and 2) the relationship is safe. Until that happens, you may experience more negative emotions and become easily upset. Unfortunately, this may lead you to do or say things that you later regret.
Once your attachment style is activated, you may be consumed with being emotionally, mentally, and even physically close to your partner. These thoughts then lead to your protest behaviors kicking in. Remember that these are the actions we take to get our needs met. Which for those with an anxious attachment style means having their partner reassure them that the relationship is fine.
Here are some examples of anxious attachment style protest behaviors:
Calling or texting several times in a row if you don’t get an immediate response
Giving your partner the “silent treatment” and withdrawing from them hoping they will pursue you more often
Keeping score of who reaches out to the other the most
Walking out in the middle of an emotional conversation
Threatening to leave the relationship hoping that they will stop you
How does saying “I don’t think I can be in this relationship anymore” translate to “I want to be closer to you”? Remember, a protest behavior is any action that attempts to re-establish connection with your partner and get their attention.
In your anxious emotional state, you may take extreme measures to get your person to notice and respond to you. But that doesn’t mean they are helpful. In fact, they can be quite damaging.
What to do
Therapy can be extremely helpful in identifying unhelpful protest behaviors and moving toward healthier protest behaviors that can accomplish your goal of connection. In fact, having both partners in therapy together can help create a whole new way of communicating emotional needs and avoiding hurtful misunderstandings.
The Avoidant Attachment Style
How it feels
You really value your independence and self-sufficiency. You want to be close to others but worry that you’ll become dependent on them and it doesn’t feel safe to give them the power to hurt you. You’re in a relationship, but you may try to create some emotional distance within it.
You’re on high alert for signs or feelings of control or intrusion by your partner. You don’t worry as much as someone with an anxious style because you tell yourself you could handle being on your own. You may not feel comfortable opening up to your partner, which might get you labeled as closed off or distant.
Why might you want to create this distance? Aside from your early interactions which established your attachment system, perhaps you’ve been let down and disappointed after being open and fully committing to an adult relationship. That pain felt terrible, and you have vowed to never feel it again.
I think those with avoidant attachment styles get a bad rap. They are often more misunderstood than people with an anxious attachment style because we can’t see into them as well.
What it looks like in action
In contrast to an anxious attachment style, you initiate deactivating protest behaviors when your avoidant attachment style is activated. These actions or thoughts are used to squash intimacy and reduce the risk of giving over control to your partner.
Here are some common avoidant protest behaviors:
Saying or thinking “I’m not ready to commit”
Focusing on small imperfections in your partner to block or blunt your feelings
Missing an ex
Flirting with others
Not saying “I love you”
Pulling away when things are going too well
“Checking out” mentally
Avoiding physical closeness
Most of these behaviors are done to keep love at an arm’s distance. That keeps you from establishing the deep connection you desire but are afraid to fully open yourself to. But it can also be hurtful and confusing for your partner.
What to do
These deactivating strategies are your defense mechanisms. They protect you. But they probably leave you feeling lonely and maybe even guilty for hurting your significant other.
Therapy can help you as well as the person with anxious attachment style. It will probably take a different path but understanding why you’re avoidant and addressing past pain is a great start. Then working toward openness and trust, often together with your partner, can dramatically improve your relationship. And also address your inner conflict of wanting connection but resisting what you see as giving up control.
Final thoughts
It’s important that we don’t stigmatize anxious and avoidant attachment styles. Rather, let’s view them through a lens of compassion and understanding. Our attachment systems were established when we were young and we didn’t have a say in things. Over time, our attachment style may have reinforced that system.
But anyone can change and move toward a healthy, secure attachment style that results in the truly open and fully loving relationships that we all need. Please reach out to learn how I can come alongside you in your journey to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
If you are interested in taking an attachment style questionnaire, I recommend Dr. Chris Fraley’s Experience in Close Relationship website. You can take an assessment to learn more about your attachment style here.