Grief & Loss

What if I do not seek counseling?

Grievers often become stuck without someone alongside them to provide the tools necessary to move forward. Grief can be a lonely road, and if the loss also affected others, you may find that they are not grieving on the same schedule or in the same way as you. This can cause a more intense feeling of being alone in sorrow, which can lead to further isolation and compound the grief.

When the grief is personal and not also experienced by close friends or family, a different type of devastating isolation can occur. Many grievers feel alone, thinking “I have no one who can understand me because no one I know has gone through this. Nobody can help me.” At Restorative Counseling, we offer a warm and friendly space where you are not alone in your grief. A place where you can connect in a meaningful way with someone who can help you. Our counselors are well-versed in the nature of grief and loss from both an emotional and psychological perspective.

While these emotions are completely normal as you respond to the sorrow that accompanies grief, they can be quite confusing. One day you may hardly be able to believe that the loss has occurred.

The next you may feel completely overwhelmed by the reality of your new situation. Furthering complicating matters is the fact that no two people will go through this process in the same way or at the same speed. Keep in mind that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no correct length of time for grieving to last. Every grief journey is unique.

While your journey through grief and loss will be unique to you, there are distinguishable stages and phases of grief that are helpful to know. Understanding the different components of grieving is important. But it is also imperative to remember that no two people grieve in the same way. Keep in mind these guidelines for the grieving process:

• Time is irrelevant. There is no right or wrong amount of time to grieve, and there is no right or wrong amount of time to spend in each phase of grief. 

• The order of the stages of grief are not linear. You may skip around in the different phases of grief, alternating between stages. This is normal. 

• It is not uncommon to revisit a stage of grief long after you thought you were finished with that particular phase of grieving. This happens because there is more processing left to do, and by revisiting a stage of grief you allow yourself to heal on a deeper level. 

Each griever must take great care in not rushing a stage or having expectations that are unrealistic. Your journey with grief and loss will be as unique as the person or dream that you lost. 

Although different therapists may group the stages of grief differently, or call them by slightly different names, we’ve found that the following stages and descriptions (based on the classic 5 Stages of Grief first put forward by famed Swiss psychiatrist Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross) provide a useful framework for grieving. When we understand how grief works we can become resilient grievers who find meaning and purpose once again. 

Shock and Disbelief

The moment we learn about the event of loss that shatters our world, shock and disbelief are the first things we experience. A feeling of numbness and the inability to get your brain to engage with the information you are receiving are signs that your body and emotions have gone into shock. This is an automatic process in which our minds engage to protect us. During the phase of shock and disbelief, it is difficult to even comprehend what is happening. Or you may feel disconnected emotionally and focus all of your effort on the task at hand. When someone you love dies, and the funeral must be planned, the shock and disbelief protect your heart and mind so that you can carry on with the necessary tasks. 

Denial

We experience denial when we cannot get in touch with how we are feeling about what has just occurred. When we experience denial, we are not literally denying that the event happened. Rather, what we are denying are the deep emotions one would expect with such a loss. We know we have suffered a great loss and are sad – we just simply do not connect with our pain in the moment. 

Many of us may have seen this play out in the lives of others. We are curious when someone doesn’t express certain expected emotions during their time of loss. Perhaps you have watched someone suffer a great loss, and shockingly he appears to be doing just fine! Even great in spite of such a loss! People can tend to use clichés or simple explanations of grief to bypass the pain of loss during the denial phase. You may hear comments diminishing the loss or you yourself may be seeing the circumstances through a lens of denial. This simply indicates where you are in the grief process, and there is nothing inherently wrong with this phase of grief, although it can be quite confusing. 

Pain & Guilt

Usually, we think of pain from loss in the sense of having a broken heart. Grief also effects other parts of your body and shows up as headaches, a stiff neck, lower back pain, exhaustion, or a general overall feeling of being unwell. Our bodies express emotions through a variety of physical symptoms, and these symptoms get worse when we do not engage with our emotions and process them directly. 

Guilt comes into play when you have regrets about things you wish you had or hadn’t said to the person you lost. You may ruminate about scenarios involving the person you lost or the dream that died, beating yourself up and blaming your past actions for the loss. Many people have feelings of guilt because they are the ones still living. This is called survivor’s guilt.

Anger & Bargaining

Anger is a difficult stage of grief. However, it is an important stage. You may struggle with anger at a wide variety of people, things, or events surrounding the loss. Or you may find that you are simply angry at the world and small things irritate you and ignite your anger without warning. This is again a normal phase of grief, which left unchecked can cause harm.

In addition to anger, most grievers experience a season of bargaining. This is an attempt to push off our feelings of sadness. Our hearts and minds want to ensure we never experience this type of loss again. For example, we may tell ourselves that we will never fall in love again, because breaking up is so hard to bear. 

Additionally, a part of us can feel that if we had only done things differently, we could have prevented the loss. We turn the events of the loss over and over in our mind, imagining how things could have been different if only a few things had been altered. This stage of grief can easily cause guilt, cycling us back into the phase of guilt previously discussed. 

Depression and Loneliness

This stage of loss has many presenting symptoms. The signs of depression include:

• Sleeping more than normal

• Not sleeping at all 

• Loss of appetite

• Overeating for comfort

• Pulling away from activities we once loved

• Refusing to see family and friends

• A sense that life has no meaning anymore

• Hopelessness about the future

When depression goes untreated it can be very isolating. Loneliness creeps in as you pull away from those who love you. The belief that no one can understand what you are feeling and experiencing prevents you for reaching out for connection, which is essential in resolving grief. To read more in detail about depression, and how we can address it, click Depression. 

Reflection and Reconstruction

Finally, after a season of moving through the previous phases, some perhaps more than once, you will arrive at a time of reflection on the meaning of your life and its reconstruction. You will begin to see yourself and the loss a little differently in this stage and notice things that maybe you had not seen before. Gaining clarity on your loss allows you to start the process of rebuilding and moving forward in your life. 

You will not be leaving the person you lost behind or forgetting the reality and cost of other types of loss. But you will be ready to explore how it might look to move forward with hope and remembrance. You will begin to find meaning in your grief and purpose in living life in spite of the pain of loss. 

Acceptance & Hope

This last stage of grief comes when you have processed the above stages and allowed your heart and mind to come to terms with what has happened in a healthy and helpful way. Acceptance does not mean you are okay with what has happened – we would never want it this way. Rather, acceptance means you have processed your loss and have a life worth living ahead of you, even if grief and loss are a part of your story. Feelings of hope for the future will begin to manifest as you begin to experience joy again. When you arrive at a place of acceptance, you will still be able to look back into the past. But now you will have some understanding about what happened, realize how you feel about the loss, and believe that the future can be good for you.