3 Boundary Steps to Better Relationships

The Importance of Boundaries

It is not uncommon for me to see someone who is feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or even confused about how to handle a conflict with a person in their life. I’ve been there too! But your number of healthy relationships can be greatly improved by one thing: boundaries. I believe that boundaries are absolutely necessary for healthy relationships.

Just what are Boundaries?

I think there is a big misconception that boundaries are a way to punish someone or a rigid set of behaviors which will take all the fun out of a relationship. I define boundaries as expectations or needs that allow you to feel comfortable and safe in any relationship. Boundaries let others know what is and isn’t acceptable in the relationship and make them aware of your needs. They are not there to punish the other person, but rather to create a healthier, long lasting relationship.

The key is being able to effectively communicate these needs to the people in your life. So many times, we assume our needs should be clear and respected by others. It feels so obvious to us, so why isn’t it obvious to them? This disconnect often results in us feeling overwhelmed or even angry at the people in our lives.

I want to recognize that setting boundaries is not the easiest or simplest thing to do. Maybe boundaries weren’t ever discussed in your family or you’ve had so many boundary violations that you don’t know where to begin or wonder if it’s even worth it.

How to implement effective Boundaries

I see boundaries as a formula. First, we must identify the boundary we want in our lives. Second, we need to effectively communicate that boundary to others. Finally, we follow through by actively enforcing the boundary with our actions.

Identification + communication + action = healthier relationships!

Step 1: Identifying a needed Boundary

Here are some signs that a boundary may be necessary and beneficial for you:

• You are neglecting self-care

• You are feeling overwhelmed in certain situations

• You have started to resent certain people

• You are avoiding these situations and people

Avoidance may feel like a solution for the time being, but in the long run it isn’t the healthiest choice we can make. Avoidance sends the passive aggressive message of “I can’t do this anymore” without giving an explanation or allowing for any understanding of the avoidance.

Avoidance ultimately either ruins a situation or kills a relationship. It just prolongs the inevitable: that we need to have a boundary for this situation or person if we are to thrive.

Types of Boundaries

According to Nedra Glover Tawwab’s book Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself, there are six types of interpersonal boundaries. Here are her six types as well as examples of boundary violations. You may recognize other areas in your life that call out for boundaries with a particular person or in a particular situation with everybody.

Boundary type

Physical - Not wanting to hug or be hugged - Wanting physical space for a certain time right after work

Sexual - Innuendos or jokes that make you feel uncomfortable - Being touched in a suggestive manner that you feel is inappropriate

Intellectual - Being ridiculed for your thoughts or opinions - Hearing others being degraded for their failings

Emotional - Gossiping - Having your feelings invalidated

Material - Lending an item which is never returned - Having someone damage your possession and not making it right

Time - Overcommitting - Being asked to work overtime without compensation or understanding

Think about a situation or person that comes to mind when you think about the need for a boundary in your life. During the rest of this post, I’m going to use the example of having one parent badmouth the other parent in front of the adult child. Hopefully this doesn’t strike too close to home for you, but if it does take hope.

Step 2: Communicating Boundaries

We can’t expect others to know our limits, needs, or expectations if we don’t communicate them clearly. When we assertively state our boundary, there is less room for misunderstanding. When we communicate a boundary, we also need to communicate the consequence that will follow if the boundary is violated.

In our example, let’s assume that an adult child clearly communicates to her father that she will no longer allow him to speak poorly about her mother, whether the mother is present or not. Pretty clear right? And further that if the dad crosses the boundary, then the daughter will point it out and leave – either the room for a while or perhaps even altogether until the next time they are together. Agreeing that they can discuss after a time apart. She could also provide a more permanent consequence if the boundary is repeatedly crossed without any signs of recognition or willingness to change.

I realize this sounds simple, but I also understand how hard it can be to put into practice.

So, why are boundaries difficult to communicate? We often experience fear or anxiety over both how to communicate the boundary and how it might be received. We fear being perceived as being mean or rude. You may be a people pleaser or have anxiety about how awkward the relationship will be once you’ve set a boundary. Or maybe you feel powerless and don’t believe that having boundaries can be a reality for you in certain relationships. I see this a lot of times when it comes to setting boundaries with family members.

But short-term discomfort for long-term healthy relationships is so worth it! Challenge your thoughts around setting boundaries and see communicating them as a vital step toward healthy relationships and a happier life. To be honest, I’ve found in my life and with numerous clients that communicating boundaries is often not received as poorly as we might think. In fact, bringing up the issue can raise relationships to new heights that avoiding the issue could never do.

Step 3: Putting Boundaries into action

This leads us to the final step in setting a boundary. Action is the upholding and honoring of the clearly communicated boundary.

Let’s say the dad in our example agrees to not speak poorly about the mother. And acknowledges that their daughter will walk away if it happens again. However, the next time they’re together, the dad starts to complain about something the mom did. Boom: boundary violation!

Now the daughter has a choice to make. Either let the conversation continue, ignore what’s happening, or follow through with the clearly communicated consequences to the boundary violation. You know what I recommend.

Here’s how it should go:

“Dad, we talked about how I don’t like you badmouthing Mom. So, like we agreed, I’m going to go out for walk and be back in a while. We can discuss this when I get back.”

Then she leaves.

I know this sounds hard. But the reality is that this is how people will recognize that you’re serious about this boundary and in turn they will either take it seriously or disregard it. But it will be clear which direction they take, and you can then act accordingly.

Remember, people don’t have to like or even agree with your boundary to respect it. Maybe the dad in our example won’t stop badmouthing his wife, but he will stop doing it in front of his daughter if he values their relationship. But only if all three steps are present. Remember:

Identification + communication + action = healthier relationships!

A final thought on Boundaries

Sometimes we experience guilt around setting boundaries. And the thing is, there is no such thing as a “guilt-free” boundary unless we challenge and change our mindset around boundaries. Whenever we experience guilt, it’s because we feel that we have done something wrong or bad. Therefore, if we believe that we can’t set boundaries because it isn’t the right thing to do, then of course we’ll feel guilty. Here are some reminders to help you challenge the feelings of guilt if they come up for you.

• It is healthy and necessary to have boundaries

• You respect other people’s boundaries and deserve to have yours respected

• If a boundary ends a relationship, then you may be better off without that relationship in your life

Take a moment to reflect on what areas or relationships in your life could benefit from a boundary. Then communicate it and follow through with actions. If you need help with any of these steps, please reach out and contact me at kat@restorativeatlanta.com .